So I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me…
That I have some sort of tachycardia (rapid heart palpitations). I had to do an ECG, give blood samples, and go back and see her in 2 weeks. In the mean time, I have to wear a ECG Heart rate holster for 24 hours so they can continually monitor my heart rate.
Pretty scary stuff. I don’t want there to be anything wrong with my heart. It has recently just been broken, emotional pain sucks, and now I have to have actual physical pain?
I just dropped $175 on my 10th hard drive. I think I have a data hoarding problem.
That awkward moment when you search a dating website and the first person you get that matches up with you is the girl you hooked up with last week.
Whoops…I didn’t know she was on that site.
I hate it when I’m perfectly fine, and then I see something by accident, and you fuck with my head.
I’m hurt enough, and I’m trying to stop from hurting more.
Sorry new followers, just frustrated.
I need to go outside..but I’m in my Pjs still at 4:49pm.
I think I should go shower.
I changed my portrait picture on tumblr, to me. First time ever since I got a tumblr in 2010.
It’s always been Naya, but I thought I would go for a change.
It nearly happened again last night…
But there is always tonight.
Something I’ve learnt after all of this…
No matter how much you love someone, doesn’t mean they will love you back.
You can give your whole heart and everything else about you, but they will just take it, and never give you anything in return. All you will hear is a hesitation in their heart, because they just aren’t sure.
It’s super pessimistic of me, but I’m a pessimist. And I think I totally deserve to be, about this situation. No matter how good of a girlfriend you are, no matter how much you think that you are making them happy, almost, you aren’t. Almost doesn’t count.
I just know that for next time, never to go all in, coz when you do, eventually, when you have to come back out, you’ll come back out with part of your heart missing, and it doesn’t beat properly, and you’ll have a hard time breathing, moving, and being because of it.
Of course it heals, and slowly you’ll get better, but you will lose that ability to trust properly again.
And that’s my spiel about love.
I know I shouldn’t enquire,
I know these details hurt,
But when love is what inspires,
I’d do anything to make it work.
These feelings inside me, they feel raw like fire,
Bottled up, they’ve exploded,
No rhyme, no reason, they lie.
I pull you towards me,
And you push me back,
We’re stuck in the middle of our fairytale,
Trying to claw our way out.
I lay back and question,
What is it that I am to you?
The scars in me twinge,
And I wait, and be the patient person I need to be.